Finally, it's Friday...

I feel so relieved today, why not? I am already done with my midterms, which I was so scared of, and what made me happier is doing well in all of them... After I finished my last test I went out, jumped and shouted " I'M FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!", they were really hard times for me, I was very stressed out, I don't know why I always feel this when it comes to exams, though I do well in my assignments and projects, but exams are different to me, I feel like it's the end of the world if I didn't do well, apart of it is because of money, I actually really started feeling this in my final year of high school, it was like 12 years of working hard I can't not do well in it. I have always believed that our learning system is incorrect, how the student work hard for 12 years, and then after all of this it's all gone if you didn't do well in your final year.. I don't know.. But this has got to change, all the student and the parents are suffering from this wrong system. I went far away from my topic again! I don't know how this always happens to me :).
So, today is Friday, eid aldha.. I enjoyed it so far, I'm trying to forget everything about studies, and it's working! :)
I hope everybody is enjoying it too..:)

We were....

Once upon a time, Arabs were the greatest nation of all; They had everything, money, treasures, knowledge, power, everything can a nation ever need, they were "AlKa'ba" that the students will Pilgrim to to learn; The westerns, the greatest now, were drowning in illiteracy dark ocean, we were their torch of light; They never thought to fight us, because they knew for sure they would lose, if they even thought about it. So, instead of fighting us, they went through the smart way, they came to us, learn from our schools and universities, I can't say that we were stupid to let them come to learn, but I will say that we are stupid now; We didn't learn from what they did, we didn't go to their universities to learn, even the people who go to learn, they mostly will lose the way, and they will do everything they couldn't do in their countries, I'm an Arabic, and I'm leaving in this country where you can find whatever you want, and I know a lot of people who used to be good in their countries, but when they came here they started to drink, smoke, etc; I lost the way for a while, but 'alhamdulillah' I found it back again.

The point from all of this boring :) introduction, is aiming to tell all of us Arabs and non-Arabs, about what we are doing these days, how today is the inverse of yesterday's mirror, the image before was us on the top, they in the bottom, now vice verse, and what are we doing to change that? absolutely nothing! Isn't it ashamed of us to leave it like that? There are some even making it worse, they don't only let us in the same condition, but they are making us go from bad to worse; I wonder why are we fighting Israel? We have nothing to fight them with, we just fight and fight by words, that's all! Is it working? Are our brothers in Palestine safe now? NO! We all know that Israel has only a few universities, we can count maybe in one hand, BUT they are among the best universities in the world! Can anyone mention any Arabic university above the 2000 ranking universities in the world? I guess it's very hard to find one, if it's not impossible.
We are very weak to fight, so why don't we just make peace with them 'temporally' , but we make one condition in the agreement, to let a certain percentage of our students to join their universities, and in a very sensitive majors; We will see in a couple of years that we will have good graduates and in very sensitive majors, which will push us up a bit, batch after batch graduating from their universities, we will grow stronger and stronger, of course we will make a condition for those students to score high marks or else they will be back.

This is just a suggestion, I think it's one of the best ideas, even if it wasn't at least it's better than our conditions nowadays.=)

....

I put mp3 on my ears, and I started singing and doing some crazy movement, I listened to the hardest music I have, my voice went louder and louder, my housemate knocked my door to check if I'm alright, I told him to go away, I wasn't in the mood to talk with anyone, I just wanted to stay by my own, listen to this crazy music that I have never liked, doing those movements aimlessly, punching the walls; I don't ever do that unless I'm stressed to the maximum, I guess I was, I still am, after getting tired of all of this sh*t i lied down the sweat was going down like rain, I was really tired, but I felt much better; That all was couple of minutes ago, I'm still wiping my sweat, still breathing fast, my heart is still beating like crazy!

It's all because me being a lot behind in studying, I have always been this way, but I feel more responsibility now, I don't know why! I didn't get a thing out of this, but at least I feel better, I was stressed to the extent where I couldn't study any longer, now I'm alright again.. I hope I don't suffer from this for the rest of the semester. ya Allah please be by my side.

Loaded.

I have always been able to overcome the hardest things, I have never liked the easy challenges, I always used to create challenges for myself from nothing, so that I can be more motivated to do better work; It might be funny, if you know that sometimes I failed in easy challenges! :).
I don't know what was wrong, but I failed anyway.
Last semester, I registered easy subject to get a high GPA. I know I got a not-bad one, but I'm sure I could do better, I won't hide it, I was disappointed with myself; So, in a dark night, I decided to register a lot of subjects for this semester, I know why, because I hate losing, so I wanted to prove to myself that I'm still the clever Ala, who used to get the best marks.
Now, I'm here, the midterms are around the corner, I'm stuck between those heavy books, assignments, attending classes and Wushu training session.
Right now, I feel that I have loaded myself with more than my ability can handle, I feel defeated because I have never feel this, I still have some hope to do very well in this semester, but I just feel disappointed, I don't want to go to depression again! I know I can do it! I know I can! I just need to forget all about those feelings and start over, or else I will lose it all, I will prove to all that I'm the same Ala of the old golden days! I will be back!

Ordinary Words..

I didn't feel well that night, so I wrote this, I can't really call it a poem, it's just something I felt and I just drew it on the paper. That was long time ago, I didn't tell anyone about it, I have no idea about the reason why I did that, I wanted to publish it, but I lost the paper, where I wrote it on. And today, while I was looking for my glasses, which I found them on the fridge :), I accidentally found the paper. So, I want to publish it now, I hope you like it...

The warm voice is cold now
What's wrong?
Some words are missing, where is "my love"?
What's wrong?
It's like you are bored, it's like you are confused in love, is it?

Why when we meet we only let our eyes talking?
Is it forbidden to love? Or maybe it's forbidden to show it in a place with no respect for lovers?
I know they all know we are in love, why are we hiding it?
Let's just say it out loud, let's say "I love you!" the loudest we can.
Let them hear us! Let them burn in their jealousy!!

No! Don't give up! My soul feels so strange without you.
Please, stay by my side, and let's defeat the world!

I miss the glitter in your eyes, which I used to see when you see me.
But I know deep down inside you still love me.
I know it's just some dust the days covered your love by.
I want the warm voice back.
I'm so done with these ordinary words.
Let's fall in love again.
Let's drawn in love again.
I want you by my side.
Let's be us again.
I love you!

I know it may seem very far from an English proper poem, because it's actually not, it's just some feelings I want to take out of me.

Feeling weird..

Tonight, I'm feeling quite weird, maybe because I'm free a bit, it's Friday night, I gotta chill out, but I'm feeling weird to be free, I think it's because of being very busy for the last week, I had been attending classes from 9am to 6pm, after that I have to go to the Wushu training sessions for three hours, twice a week, and the rest of the week, I have been whether tired and lying on bed, or studying at the library. I didn't have time to blog of course, that's why you didn't see me this week, I didn't even have a lot of time to talk to my lover. Ah! I'm quite sad about not talking to her very much anymore, but we have to study to make a great and bright future for both of us, I know we can make it, I can see it in our eyes, I can see the motivation, the desire, and a lot of other feelings which I'm sure will keep on pushing us forward, to do our best for us. I still lover her like fire, like the first time I loved her, that has never changed, and I don't think it will change; Me being busy doesn't mean at all that I don't miss her or I don't think about her; I always think about her, when I'm at the lecture, which distracts me a bit, but then I think that I have to concentrate so that I do well for our future, which gives me the motivation to work harder. I feel like I'm not only working for me, but I'm working for us, I feel much more strength than before, I'm motivated, I know I can do well, for the sake of us; I love you.

This was Tomorrow, which scared you yesterday...

A sentence I have been thinking of, each single night, before I go to sleep this last week; It was my first week in my new semester, Sunday night was horrible, I couldn't really sleep, that happens to me each night before I start any new thing, I wonder why; I was flipping there on my bed for couple of hours, then I remembered this sentence, which I have heard long time ago, I thought that tomorrow at the same time, I will be laughing at myself now, because it's nothing deserve to be worried about; It helps a bit, it really did help; Then on the next night, I was laughing at myself, but, I was worried about the second day as well, but of course not that much, then this sentence made me calm again; Now, here I am after one week of university, everything is okay, I did great;
I truly realized that no need to worry about the future, because it won't change a thing about it, you are only killing yourself by those bad feelings, and the future will still be the same, so guys, just chill out, the future won't change, just do what you have to do, and leave the rest to God to :)help you :).

Liechtenstein..

A small country in the middle of Europe, between Switzerland and Austria; A lot of you doesn't know it, I didn't know it before I knew her, Margarette or Mari as she like to be called,, I haven't told anyone about her maybe because I forgot her I don't know, but I remembered her yesterday;
It was my beginning with chatting, maybe that was my third time in chatting, I was 15 I remember, I met her there in one of the yahoo chatting rooms, we chatted, then I called her, she picked up then we started talking, my English wasn't quite good at that time neither was hers, we talked anyway; It was hard a bit to understand each other, because I spoke English in an Arabic accent, and she did in a German's, not a long time after we started talking, I opened my web cam to her, then I asked her to open hers, she refused, as most of the girls in the beginnings, so I didn't mind; Then after we talked for few times, our relationship became stronger, so I asked her again for her web cam, she refused again, but in this time I asked her why? We are already good friends; She told me about her story with web cams; It was her beginning as well, when she met this guy, who she webcamed with him, she thought he is a good guy, but unfortunately he was a fox, after a lot of month of they knowing each other, her cousin came to her to tell her that he saw a photo for a naked girl looks exactly like her; She was shocked! She wasn't sure who made it, but she felt it was that guy, because he was working in the IT things, no one knows who did it, I felt sorry for her, but I learnt an important lesson, I haven't shown my web cam to any other ones after her; I was still in touch with her for quiet some time after that, but then I didn't see her on lining anymore, I tried to send her offline massages but she has never answered; Maybe she is reading this now, I hope she is, I met her at the space once so it's not weird to met her again here at this space.
So, this is my story with Liechtenstein, and with the 'Liechtensteinian' girl. I hope all you all, brothers and sisters, be sure of the person who you are showing your web cam to. Unless, you wanna see your face on a naked sexy body :).

October,24th,2009

All , or let's say most, of us use Facebook, and a lot knows what October,24th,2009 means; Yes, it's the day for all Muslims to boycott Facebook, as a reaction against the groups which insult Islam on Facebook.
No, I won't boycott it with the others, I have never believed in this boycotting thing; I will tell you why, for the Facebook case, as we all know Facebook is a website based on freedom, you can come up there and make a user, and then you can start talking and saying whatever you want, anyone can do it, the website won't be able to close any of your accounts because it may lose a costumer, and of course it's not acceptable for them, how if you are talking about groups? They are not ready to lose a single account, so of course they won't close a group! Also, you are only boycotting it for one day, let's say your number is 10000 users not signing in that particular day, everyday more than this number don't sign in, for various reasons, we all don't when we have exams, or when we are away from our laptops.
The other case of boycotting is for the Denmark's products, because some newspapers drawings that insult our prophet; We all know how It's one of the countries where their people exert the most freedom they want, a woman can go out naked and no one will say anything; But when we saw these drawings, we directly thought about boycotting those products, I wonder what is the fault of the manufacturers? What is the fault of the importers? I know a son of a big importer of these products, and they really became poor out of this boycott; They weren't the ones who publish those drawings, They were working to provide food for their families; Yeah! Maybe their fault is to choose these jobs; Sorry, they never knew that you will boycott them one day.
What has happened after these boycotts? Instead of having 1 group insulting Islam, now there are tens, maybe more; Instead of 1 newspaper in Denmark publishing the drawings, there are a lot now, and not only in Denmark!

So, what can we do? This is the question now; For me, I think we don't have to do anything, because those behaviours were from stupid selly people, we can't judge the whole country depending on what those few did!

*Funny story: We, as Muslims, don't have to spread those drawings between us, I remember when I was at school, when those drawings came out, some people who printed it out and started selling it! :)

It was a dream..

The past couple of days, I was watching some Arabic series, taking about failure love stories; The last few episodes were about marriages breaking, I saw that the reason was boredom in the whole issues. Thus, I have been thinking -unconsciously- about it, about how not to fall in the same mistake, how to make a successful marriage, how to create some surprises for your partner.
As we all know, human being's nature is to get bored from repeated things, whatever it is: Haven't you ever been bored of meal that u ate more than couple of days? Even if it was the best meal ever! You will still be bored after some time. Same goes with love, you will get bored with your partner even if s/he is perfect, even if you are crazily in love with s/he; The beginning of this boredom is a warning for you to wake up, a call to change some habits of your routines, go out with other friends, don't make your relationship a routine, even if you are married for years, it's still not late for you to have dates! Even if you are 90 years old, still not late. The most important thing is not to let this boredom goes so far!! Or else it will start to kill your love. It will really do. Don't think it's a bad sign, it's just a warning to change a bit. I'm sure after the change, you feel your relationship so fresh! You will fall in love again! No need to look out side for another partner thinking that yours is not good enough anymore, s/he is still the same person who you fell in love with one day, but the years dust has put some on your relationship, you just need to clean it up to shine again ;).

Now, let's go back to the title, "It was a dream.." Last night, I dreamt that I was at a hotel's room dressing up to prepare for a date with my wife, my subconscious did all of that :) , I dressed up and I prepared some ";)" stuff for the night after coming back from the date; After being done with all of that I went down and i rode my car, my cellphone rang, it took me a second to look at its screen, but this second was more than enough to a crush to happen; I didn't feel a thing in the beginning, I heard voices, I heard noises, I heard a lot of people shouting, the noise was becoming louder and louder, I heard the ambulance as well; Someone was taking, I didn't really understand, "huh? huh?" was my response; Then we opened the door, tried to pull me out of the car.. " AHHH!!" I shouted, my leg was stuck inside. I felt the pain in my leg! Then I woke up :). I don't know, was it a dream? or a nightmare? You tell me :).

Don't be nice!

"You are a nice guy!" They tell me, but I'm not nice to the extent of some other people, I'm not nice to the extent where I bother myself, or let myself being disturbed, I'm nice when I'm free, but when I have work to do, I just do it and I don't even talk to my mum! Some people SEE your status as "Busy! Please don't disturb" But they start talking with you, I don't know why, is it because they love you so much? Or is it because they want to feel that they are closer to you than those signs? Or is it to feel that they are above rules? I leave the answer for those who do this. I think, I won't put the "busy" Sign if I'm not busy, will I? But they still don't understand. What surprise me more, how some people reply them even when they are busy, studying, cooking, doing whatever kind of thing, but not chatting, they still reply.
Everybody is with you in your goods, few in your bads, none in your exams. You will only be there alone with the questions in front of you. Ali won't be there, Salwa won't as well, no one but you is there! So, why to let them disturb you when you study?! I guess some do this, because they are afraid of loneliness. It's the biggest fear for a lot of us, I was one of those who has this fear, but I have figured out in the end that the people who love you will understand, and will always be by your side; The people who don't, will leave; For me, I only want the people who really love me, I don't need the others, I think it's not about how many friends do u have? But it's about do u account on them? Will they always be by your side? I don't need people who will come when I invite them to have lunch, but when I'm broke they won't say "Come! Let's have lunch together".
I'd rather have a few real friend, than having hundreds of "hi,bye" friends. Of course, I want all of you to be my real friends. Of course, I want a lot of friends, but I want them all to be really good ones. I hope I can make a lot of them out of this blog.

So, don't be very nice, be nice to the limit of your comfort, don't let the others to disturb you while you are doing your work; Believe me, the ones who love you will wait for you.:)

Why am I here?

Maybe I should have put this post as my first, but I thought it would be better to talk about the reason why I chose my blog title. Now, you will ask "Why didn't you put it as your second?" And my answer will be "I forgot about it!":). I had a lot in my mind to talk about, insomuch I forgot, but now I remembered about posting the reason why, the answer may be silly to some; But for me it's totally not at all.
As u saw, my English is not quite good, I think I made tens of mistakes in my previous posts. I knew this fact not long time ago, maybe it started by knowing my girlfriend, I saw the big gap between her English and mine. I'm not going to hide it, it bothered me a bit that she is much better than me in English; But that wasn't a reason for me to give up, so I'm trying since then to make it better, and I really can feel the difference. Of course I still need a lot, but I started to go on the right way.
The most thing that bothered me about it was that I was - believe it or not- very good in English one day, that was when I really have the motivation to learn it, but when I came to Ma'sia, I saw how a lot of people can barely speak English. Of course we don't speak English in our country at all, but coming here was the incentive that pushed me to learn it harder. Unluckily, I got this smack on my face instead! So, I lost the interest completely. My inner brain just stopped learning anymore English words; I think my unconscious has made me think "As long as you know words to talk the basic stuff, no need to learn more, no one will understand anyway." And that was the beginning of the end for me in English.
I replaced big and strong words -that obviously no one understands here- with small easy words or even explain it into sentences, so that they will understand. As we all know, English is like most of the things in life "Use or Lose" based. So, I started forgetting my good words, using simple stupid words and insomuch adding the suffixes "lah","mah" and "lor" , in my sentences.

Sorry , I think I went a bit far away from the main title :). Anyway, after seeing her English, I started to get motivated again, started to open the dusty dictionary again, started to get back some of what I lost; And not long time ago, I thought about making a blog so that I can write something in English to strengthen up my English. I hope after a while me and you as well can see the difference in my writings. I'm still faraway from good English, but I'm not ashamed to confess it, actually I'm proud that I have the bravery to say it.
I'm sure If I made this blog some time ago, all of you would be laughing of my primary-school-kid mistakes :). It's not that now I'm not making mistakes, but I'm a bit better, and I have faith that I can move on and on to make my English sub-perfect ;).

bad, bad, bad!

Once upon a time, I was depressed, and it wasn't for like couple of days, I suffered from it for months and months.
It started with me when I came to Malaysia, I felt so lonely and weak, noone to protect me anymore, noone to do me any thing, no friends, nothing at all. Everything was new, everything was strange, people, places, way of acting. Consiquently, it started to grow bigger and bigger each day passes by here, my hair started lossing, I started having eating disorders, I got sick for so many times, I hated myself, I hated everbody, Maybe because they are not useful as they were used to be when I was in my country. So, depression was the refuge for me -how ironic!- how can i make the depression as a refuge? It's like I'm escaping from the desert to the hell!!
Thus, I started bad habits, maybe because I thought those habits will return my power back, or maybe it will -at least- make me forget my situation.
People who knew me before started to notice how far I changed, how I am not the Ala that they used to know, so a part of them advised me. Those advices really made me stop and think with myself about where I am now. I asked myself "Why are you here,Ala?" This question was the 'wake-up-call' for me to get out. But, I still had a big bit of this depression deep down inside me, a big bit I couldn't really escape, so I tried another way to get over it, I opened a blog, a black blog like my soul at that time, no maybe my soul was even darker! I wrote everything inside me, I swore and swore to myself, to the world, to everything. I thought that will make me feel better. Of course it didn't, after a while -actually a couple of days only- I realized how stupid I am by opening this blog, I knew that no one even opened it, and I'm sure that no one has so far and maybe no one will ever open it. But now I think that maybe I needed that blog to releif some of the feelings inside me.

I felt like writing about a bad feeling i felt before a while, then I stopped because I'm a positive thinker now. I don't look to the world by a black sight anymore, because when you do , you won't find anything beautiful, it's like u r wearing a very black sunglasses insomuch they prevent you from looking what's infront of your feet. Now I'm a happy person. Now I face life with a smile, because nothing really deserve to be bothered about, you will be the only loser if you did.

Behind blue eyes.

Behind blue eyes, an old song for 'Limp Bizkit '. 5 years ago, was the first time I heard this song, I wasn't good in English at all -at all- , maybe the only sentence I understood by then were "No one knows what is like, to be the bad man, to be the sad man". But I don't know why it touched me, few days ago, I found my self -uncounciously- singing it after forgetting it for years. I looked for it at 'youtube' and I haven't stopped listening to it since then, I keep on repeating it again and again. Now I know more words in this song :). I have heard a lot of other songs since then but I have no idea why this one stuck to my mind. Does it descripe me? But I have black eyes ;). As usual I don't know why. But who cares?! I still enjoy listening to it! I don't know untill what time, but I will keep it on as long as I feel right, and I will directly change it when I don't feel right anymore, 'Not a loyal listener,huh?:D'.

Lost..

Someone has asked me once "What kind of person are you?" We were walking, I stopped , I was shocked! Beleive it or not, I didn't know the answer! This is one of the hardest questions you can ask me about, because I really feel that I'm two souls inside one body.
A part of me is such a dork nerd, "eh, just lie down and chat with whoever, why to go out? why to do new things? no need!" those were the most common words that this part has never stopped telling me. "Come on Ala! Let's try this! Just do it!" Those were the words of the other advernturous part.
I won't hide that I'm still lost, I won't hide that I don't know the answer yet. Hopefully days can drive me the answer. Everytime I meet new person, I have this fear, the fear of him asking me this question, some did and "I don't know" That's the answer they get from me. I feel weirder and weirder when any of them replies "How don't you know?!" With some 'astonishment' on their faces, it makes me feel lonely I feel like I'm the only one suffering from this lost! Am I?!

Other situation I face is that some people 'friends' after knowing them for years they tell me " oh Ala! We are still discovering you! How many faces do u have?". I wonder if it's related to the problem above mentioned or not?! It doesn't make me feel good when someone I thought s/he knows me the best. I feel after hearing these words that I was tricked by them, or maybe by myself.
Maybe some of you have faced those kinds of problems, and some of you are now saying "Why is he making it a big deal?" Because they don't know this feeling.
It's not a big issue to me anyway, but I just stop by it and think, but -as u know- I still don't know the answer. I'm still lost.

A small drop in a huge ocean..

I have choosen this title for my blog, because I feel I'm such an atomic thing in this world. But I still have a strong belief that I can do something to help this world, maybe not me alone because 'one hand can't clap'. But I want my voice to be hearable so that the people like me can come by my side and help me to do something for this world.
We may see a drop very small and can't do anything, but have ever tried to let your tap leeking for couple of hours and see the effection of it one a bar of wood? I tried this, and i found a small hole is starting to be created by the drops! So, let's be those drops to make a small hole in this wood of life. Have a faith ! Have a beleif! We totally can make it!=)